marriage

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Calling All Men

Posted by Rev. Bro. Coach on January 29, 2019
Posted in: The Mindful Minute. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post that one of my friends shared and it really got me thinking. The original post talked about a man who excused himself from company to wash dishes. His friend applauded him and said that it was great that he “helped” his wife around the house. His friend explained that he did not “help” his wife because when he did, he did not get praised for it. This prompted the man to sit down with his friend and explain to him that his wife did not need “help.” He washed dishes, he cleaned the house, he took part in daily chores because he was part of the family and should contribute. My favorite part was when he asked his friend, when was the last time you said thank you to your wife for all that she does during the day- the cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the kids, on top of all other responsibilities?

In today’s culture, we are woefully short on biblical men. We are woefully short on men who look like the intention of the creator of the universe. What we have is an abundance of men who look exactly like what the culture says they should look. We have an abundance of men who believe that if they take out the trash, then they deserve a ticker tape parade. We have an abundance of men who do not embrace or even take ownership in the raising of their children. Guys I am here to tell you, that’s not a man- that’s a boy who shaves.

God has called us to bigger things. He has called us to be partners with our wives- not supervisors.  In Genesis 1:27, it tells us that God made man and woman in HIS image. We cannot be equal image bearers of the creator and then treat our wives like an employee. From the creation of man and woman, God’s intention was for them to complement each other, work side by side as teammates and partners. We have been called to complimentary service with our wives, supporting each other, building each other up, and working together in all things.

There is a hierarchy in our house that our boys know well. God comes first in our house, followed by their mother, and then they come next. You would not believe the criticism I get for saying that I put my wife ahead of my sons. To that I answer- if I want my sons to grow up to be good husbands and fathers, knowing how to treat women and how to love their wives, the only way I am going to accomplish that is if I demonstrate to them that same behavior at home. If I constantly put them or other things over their mother, they will grow up thinking that is how it is supposed to be.  When our sons do something wrong and they act or respond like boys, I remind them that I am not raising boys- I’m raising men. I expect them to respond and act like men.

Men, let me encourage you to be the man God created you to be & partner with your wife. Cook dinner, clean the house, run the vacuum, thank HER for what she does daily, participate in life with your wife. Take care of your children while she reads, takes a bath, or heaven help gets to go out with her friends and have adult conversations. Go beyond that and pray for her and with her. Read the Bible together. Grow with her spiritually.  Life becomes a little more bearable when you have someone partnering with you to get things done & on your spiritual journey. What you will find out of this are little boys that grow up to be men who care about & know how to treat their wives and you will find little girls who grow up to accept men who do nothing less than daddy did for her mommy growing up. More importantly, you will have a wife who feels loved & appreciated by a man who not only actively pursues God, but also pursues her in the process.

 

In Christ Alone,

Rev. Bro. Coach

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Six Things That Make Marriage Work….#1- Three’s NOT a Crowd

Posted by Rev. Bro. Coach on March 4, 2014
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family photo 2I know that it is uncommon for me to post two nights in a row. After all, I like to give the post a day or two to get as many views as possible before moving on to the next topic. However, I have a strong feeling that I need to finish this topic this week and I will be out of town for the weekend, so here we are.

We have come down to the last post in this series. We have finally counted down to what I believe is the number 1 thing that makes marriage work. I know that by the title, you may be wondering where we are headed with this particular topic, but believe me when I say that it is the single most important aspect of my marriage.  So, no more delays- the number one thing that makes marriage work is keeping God at the center of the relationship. Now, before you click off this article thinking that I am giving a “church” answer, I challenge you to hear me out. I realize that I may have some readers who do not prescribe to a belief in the Almighty Creator, but honestly, are you really surprised I went here? This is more than a church answer. This is a foundation. This is the fundamental reason I believe that my marriage has survived. My wife is an infinitely better person than I am, but not even she could survive the train wreck that is typically me for the past 12 years. My natural tendency is to drive people away with my personality. There is a reason that I don’t have very many “close” friends. Without a foundation built around God, without seeking His will for our lives, and without looking to Him for guidance, we would both be left with just ourselves  and our own personalities fighting for the center of the relationship.

When we are constantly fighting for the center, the relationship becomes about whoever happens to be in the middle. This is a chemical mixture that produces bad relationships. One sided relationships lead one of two places- it either leads to a wrecked marriage or to a marriage that is solely dominated by one person, a marriage that is defined by only one person’s goals, dreams, and aspirations. This is not what marriage was meant to be. In Mark 10:6-9 it says,

“But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate.”

When we are married, we become one- one flesh, one life, one heartbeat. We do not become the heartbeat of merely one of the lives involved. As a married couple, Jan and I have taken on each others passions, plans, desires, and aspirations. What she desires to accomplish, I strive to help here achieve and whatever I dream to do, she supports it without waiver.  I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble about their ability to be selfless, but that kind of generosity and care does not come naturally to any human. It is only through keeping God at the center, only by looking to Him, and only striving to bring praise, honor, and glory to Him that we are able to steer clear of selfish ambition and undermining tendencies to self promote. Some people even think they can put their children at the center of their lives and achieve this, but I can speak from experience, that only produces children that are entitled and undisciplined because they have been made into an idol and have been put in the situation of filling a role they were never meant to fill and are destined to fail. You see, when we put God at the center, not only does He keep our egos in check, He pours down His love on the marriage and it is that love that each spouse is able to reflect and give out to their spouse, children, and friends. No human is capable of that feat because we are sinfully flawed.

When we look at marriage, we must see past our spouse and our kids and look to the one who anointed the union in the first place. Marriage is an institution given to us by God, an institution that gives man a helper in the upkeep and building of God’s Kingdom. It began with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and it continues today. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.” Are we seeking God to not only be the center of the universe, but the center of OUR universe? Trust me, when it comes to healthy and successful marriages, three is not a crowd.

 

In Christ Alone,
Rev. Bro. Coach

Six Things That Make Marriage Work….#2- Let’s Talk

Posted by Rev. Bro. Coach on March 3, 2014
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family photo 2Tonight, I am presenting what I believe is the second most important thing in making marriages work….communication! We have all had that relationship where it seemed like we barely spoke to the person we were dating. If you haven’t had that relationship, you know someone who has. You know the pain of going days sometimes without speaking and you know how unbelievably difficult it was to know anything about them because of that. Likewise, we have all either had a relationship or know of a relationship that was strained because every time a problem came up, it was never discussed, never vocalized, never hashed out. The problem festered, gathering infection that would usually lead to the relationship’s downfall.  For ALL of us, we have treated Christ like that. We have seen our walk with the Lord falter and we have seen our spiritual growth stunted by the lack of spending quality time communicating with our Savior. Well, just as a relationship with Christ can not grow without communication, neither can your marriage.  You would think that this is the easy part, but it’s not.  In fact, one of the top reasons given in faltering marriages is a lack of communication. So, I have narrowed down to two important aspects of communication and why it isn’t just a necessity, it is vital to the survival of your marriage.

First of all, we communicate so that we can continue to become experts in our spouses.  Remember, I used this analogy a couple of posts ago. I said that I am an expert in Janology (the study of my wife Jan). This is not a study that ends after a couple of years of research.  This is an ongoing endeavor that lasts a lifetime. You should spend time getting to know your spouse every day, of every month, of every year you are together. After 12 years, I am still learning things about my wife- favorite books, new bands that have emerged that she likes, favorite new scent at Bath & Body Works. I also am constantly learning what she doesn’t like, or likes no longer. Yes this happens. People grow out of hobbies, grow tired of collectibles, and genuinely look for new things to take part in. The best way to learn this stuff is simply ask. Why go to the trouble of trying to play the guessing game and get it wrong (like I do every time I guess) when you can get it from the horse’s mouth? This also goes with things that are going on in the marriage. What do they think is going right and what isn’t working that well?  When I came up with these six things, I consulted Jan and found out what she thought were the top 5 things.  We compared lists and found them to be similar. How can we be so in tuned with each other? Simple- we talk!!

Secondly, we communicate our problems to each other. I tell my wife all the time that I can’t fix what I don’t know. Couples need to stop playing Russian Roulette with their marriages. We take stabs in the dark about what is working and what isn’t. We grope around in the dark trying to figure out why our spouse is mad without ever asking. And the worst part is we take the attitude of “I’m going to be mad at you, but I’m not going to let you in on it” therefore taking our spouse by complete surprise. Here is the bottom line. You are going to disagree. You are going to drive each other crazy. Your spouse will push every button you have to the point that you believe they do it on purpose. That is one of the biggest reasons that you know you are with the person you are meant for. Jan drives me up a stinking wall at times. She is her own special brand of crazy. But, here is the thing, I deal with the crazy and I can’t wait for the chance to wake up next to her brand of crazy every day. She pushes every button I have and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her- that is when you know it is real. We talk about our crazy and we tell each other when we are doing something the other can’t handle. Crazy is ok, as long as you are on the same crazy train together (by the way- I have my own brand of crazy she deals with too).

The last thing I urge you to do is this. While I think it is important for you to have a friend or two to vent to about your spouse (we both have people we go to), never discuss with your friends anything that you don’t intend to discuss with your spouse that night. In the end, it is your spouse that will share your life with you, not your friends. Ephesians 4:26 reminds us to not allow the sun to go down on our anger- meaning before you lay your head down to sleep at night, resolve your problems with your spouse, if you don’t, you will harbor anger and resentment- two things that are not conducive to healthy marriages.

 

Coming Soon……Three’s Not a Crowd

In Christ Alone,
Rev. Bro. Coach.

Six Things to Make Marriage Work: #6- Get Your Own Life

Posted by Rev. Bro. Coach on January 17, 2014
Posted in: The Mindful Minute. Tagged: , . Leave a comment

family photo 2Making marriages work these days seems to have taken a back seat to immediate satisfaction. As a society, we have tainted our idea of marriage and love and have traded reality in for fantasy. Hollywood certainly hasn’t helped with this as it continues to give unrealistic examples of how marriages are supposed to work. The fact of the matter is, marriage is work- plain and simple. It’s not only work, it’s hard work. In a fast paced society that no longer possesses the ability to delay gratification, marriages are just the next casualty in a long line of “I want it and I want it yesterday” type attitudes. People rush in to marriage seeking only the immediate gratification of being with someone instead of committing themselves to the work that it takes to make a marriage successful. Oh and that marriage you saw on the movies last week, keep in mind that it was likely played by an actor on their 3rd or 4th marriage.

As I was working on my book the other day, I thought it would be a good idea to share what has gone right in my marriage. I tend to keep my dating advice to the teen scene, but I realized that there are young people who read this that are getting ready to get married and this could be beneficial to them. So, I asked my wife to make a list of the top  5 things that, in her opinion, makes our marriage work. I did the same and we compared lists. It was mind blowing how similar they were. We couldn’t narrow it to five, so we took the top 6. You need to understand that we aren’t marriage counselors or licensed therapists, we are just a happy couple that has been that way for 15 years (11 1/2 of those years have been in marriage). So over the next few weeks, we are going to countdown the six things that have made our marriage work. I hope that you enjoy these and I hope that someone benefits from the experiences that my wife and I have had together.

#6-  GET YOUR OWN LIFE…..

Trust me when I say that I mean that in the best way possible. One of the things that has really helped Jan and I over the years is that we don’t have to spend every waking minute in each other’s presence. Don’t get me wrong, I could do just that and be perfectly happy, but you must remember that you had a life before you were with them; you had friends and family and hobbies. You shouldn’t give all of that up simply because you got married. Ladies you had friends who liked to shop and go to movies. You went out to eat and you talked about things that were going on in your life. Gentlemen, you had your bros that you watched the game with, that you hunt and fish with, people that played golf with you. It is important that you still engage in some of those activities. Sure, you probably won’t do them as often as you used to, but it is very healthy for your relationship to have your own identity. It is very important that you allow each other to have this time in your marriage, simply because it allows you to miss each other. The benefits of being with your gal pals or your boys is not only fun, its therapeutic. You are able to go do the things that your spouse may not enjoy. A perfect example is baseball games. Jan loves for me to go to minor league games with my friends because that means she doesn’t have to go. Likewise, I don’t have to go see every Hunger Games movie that comes out because she can go with her friends. The bottom line is this. When you become man and wife, it should be forever, but that does not mean that your marriage should become a prison. Time away with your friends, doing your own things, is good for your marriage as long as you are respectful with the way you handle it and don’t try to go out every night. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Give yourself a chance to miss them.

Coming Soon…..#5 Sharing is Caring

In Christ Alone,
Rev. Bro. Coach